Onion News Network

Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.

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Added: Wed May 25 07:34:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue May 24 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:45
Rating: 4.6 / 5.0

A load of mulch is dumped in a pretty ballsy location, a racehorse is unaware it just cost some kid new braces, and desperate PBS airs ‘Nova: Boobs a’ Bouncin’’

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Added: Mon May 23 17:52:14 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon May 23 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:37
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.

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Added: Fri May 20 16:55:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri May 20 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:34
Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.

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Added: Thu May 19 00:14:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed May 18 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:12
Rating: 4.2 / 5.0

A budget mix up causes Congress to accidentally fund schools …NFL Players look weird in suits, and a revealing discovery about the life of Gentle Ben. It's the week of May 9, 2011.

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Added: Mon May 16 15:36:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon May 16 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:58
Rating: 3.4 / 5.0

"Sex With A B-List Celebrity" is just one of several proposals being proposed as the dead American Dream's replacement.

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Added: Mon May 16 01:54:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri May 13 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:42
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

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Added: Thu Jun 02 14:29:09 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Jun 01 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:50
Rating: 3.9 / 5.0

In order to spur coupling, the National Dating Agency has lowered standards to include gambling addicts and the morbidly obese.

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Added: Sun Jun 12 23:47:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Jun 03 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:29

On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad explains how the harsh conditions in mining camps can require two men becoming one.

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Added: Fri Jun 24 00:03:08 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:40

A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.

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Added: Wed May 11 15:36:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed May 11 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:37
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many Americans think otherwise.

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Added: Thu May 05 16:19:09 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue May 03 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:25
Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Panelists discuss how owning a top-of-the-line MacBook or an iPad 2 is actually essential to finding a new job.

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Added: Fri Apr 22 17:54:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Apr 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:04
Rating: 4.1 / 5.0

Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you.

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Added: Fri Apr 15 18:26:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Apr 14 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:39
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

The last vestige of the American Dream slipped away as a Pennington, IL resident quietly laid aside his hope of owning a bar & grill.

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Added: Mon Mar 28 21:01:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Sun Mar 27 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:03
Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

The CIA's invention of Facebook has saved the government millions of dollars.

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Added: Fri Mar 25 00:57:10 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:36
Rating: 4.4 / 5.0

Mike Brant has become a favorite among Republicans for his complete apathy towards government and overt unwillingness to serve.

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Added: Mon Mar 21 15:00:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Sun Mar 20 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:33
Rating: 4.1 / 5.0

Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation's official mode of communication.

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Added: Mon Mar 07 21:28:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Sun Mar 06 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:30
Rating: 4.1 / 5.0

Shelby warns viewers they need a place to hold suspicious-looking characters the police are too lazy to arrest.

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Added: Mon Feb 28 18:06:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Sun Feb 27 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:12
Rating: 3.4 / 5.0

Congress has awarded every victimized subgroup gaming rights as way to "pull themselves back up."

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Added: Tue Feb 22 03:09:11 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:00
Rating: 4.1 / 5.0

Prom king Trevor Wilson pumped three bullets into the quiet loner before he had a chance to think about turning on fellow students.

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Added: Mon Feb 14 18:30:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Sun Feb 13 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:53
Rating: 3.2 / 5.0

Congressman Ronald North, who said gay marriages would lead to man-horse unions, is caught in a relationship with a mare.

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Added: Mon Feb 07 20:47:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Sun Feb 06 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:37
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lower our guard.

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Added: Tue Feb 01 21:41:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Jan 28 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:09
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

In tense negotiations, the U.S. State Department agreed to grant the North Korean leader the role of Gotham's Dark Knight Detective.

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Added: Fri Jan 21 22:23:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Jan 19 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:34
Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.

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Added: Wed Jun 08 23:32:11 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:27
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls over onto a cloud, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival. It's the week of July 11th, 2011.

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Added: Tue Jul 19 15:56:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Jul 15 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:20

Many parents bring their children to R-rated movies, but are minors mature enough to see our In The Know panelists masturbating to the adult content on the screen?

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Added: Thu Jul 21 17:28:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jul 19 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:45
Rating: 3.9 / 5.0

Congress has pledged to consider looking into new sanctions following North Korea's eradication of all life on the Asian continent.

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Added: Sat Jul 23 02:21:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Jul 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:32
Rating: 3.8 / 5.0

Congress spotted walking out of a gay nightclub, U.S. quietly slips out of Afghanistan in the dead of the night, and Tim Duncan sends out google invites for the fifth consecutive day. It's the week of July 18th, 2011.

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Added: Tue Jul 26 20:23:09 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Jul 22 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:01
Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

The new law will remove restrictions on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol as well as provide tax incentives for seniors who bungee jump off of cliffs.

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Added: Wed Jul 27 17:13:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jul 26 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:56
Rating: 4.4 / 5.0

After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

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Added: Fri Jul 15 19:15:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jul 12 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:49

In today's Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that Joe Biden has replaced his Secret Service detail with a trio of sexy female bodyguards.

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Added: Fri Jul 15 19:15:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Jul 14 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:48

Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.

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Added: Fri Jun 17 19:14:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Jun 17 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:57
Rating: 3.2 / 5.0

For some reason, climatologists have been running around in an agitated state, waving their little arms and squawking about "global warming."

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Added: Tue Aug 02 00:46:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Jun 29 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:32

The USSR wins the space race after 54 years, Shaquille O'Neal does research on talking for his new job at TNT, and the nation's weirdest teen buys Season 1 of Murphy Brown on DVD. It's the week of July 25th, 2011.

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Added: Tue Aug 02 00:46:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Jul 29 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 06:58

A high-end prostitute divulges she had sex with that one actor whose name who has brown hair and was in all those movies.

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Added: Fri Aug 05 23:41:09 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Aug 02 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:35

Ben Bernanke drunkenly tells everyone at a local bar how screwed the U.S. economy really is, an area dog's rock bottom is the same as his peak, and Randy Moss quits on football for the final time. It's the week of August 1st, 2011.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 07:09:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Aug 05 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 06:58

The Onion writers recall their favorite headlines, including "Rubber Band Needed" and "Man In Headlock Just Wanted To Party." Associate editor Will Tracy talks about the difficulty in writing a funny headline about the earthquake in Haiti.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 06:21:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 05:45

Moderator Anderson Cooper asks about The Onion's campaign for a Pulitzer Prize and their advocacy group Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes (AFAJP). An audience member asks about diversity in the writing staff of The Onion.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 06:21:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:18

Editorial manager Kate Palmer talks about the online reaction to the controversial article "Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex." Moderator Anderson Cooper laughs at the headline "Afghan Warlord Takes Anderson Cooper As 43rd Wife."

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Added: Tue Aug 09 05:54:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:50

Associate editor Will Tracy describes how the stories are edited. Moderator Anderson Cooper asks how the writers avoid revealing political biases. Features editor Joe Garden says that several former writers of The Onion work on "The Colbert Report".

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Added: Tue Aug 09 05:06:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:58

Moderator Anderson Cooper asks about the success of The Onion's web site and social media activity. Sports editor John Krewson recalls working on the famous 9/11 issue. Anderson reads aloud from the article "Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell."

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Added: Tue Aug 09 05:06:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 06:07

Moderator Anderson Cooper (journalist, author, anchor of "Anderson Cooper 360") asks the panelists how they joined The Onion. Head writer Seth Reiss describes the process of selecting a handful of headlines from a list of over one hundred each week.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 04:26:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 05:31

Features editor Joe Garden says that jokes about George W. Bush were too easy. Sports editor John Krewson explains why The Onion didn't cover the Anthony Weiner story. An audience member asks about starting a satirical newspaper at her school.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 04:26:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:50

A fan asks about a sequel to the poorly received "The Onion Movie." Features editor Joe Garden explains where they got the photos for the American Voices column: e.g., photos of columnists Jean Teasdale and Jim Anchower came from a high school yearbook.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 04:12:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:20

The Onion writers discuss the never-used headline "Spork Used As Knife," which was featured on an episode of "This American Life." Associate editor Will Tracy says that Drew Barrymore sent a food package to The Onion after they wrote an article about her.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 04:12:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 05:10

Head writer Seth Reiss and features editor Joe Garden talk about real life imitating stories from The Onion. Editorial manager Kate Palmer explains why the writers might choose to publish a headline quickly via Twitter, rather than in the print edition.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 04:12:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:35

In the Daily Briefing, Obama asks the nation to "be cool" while his friends Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are in town.

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Added: Mon Aug 15 01:20:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Aug 12 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:11

Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling and Bristol Palin reveals that her mother has had 15 abortions. It's the week of August 8th, 2011.

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Added: Tue Aug 16 20:46:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Aug 12 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 06:44

Friends and family have gathered to pray for the miners trapped in dead-end jobs a thousand feet below the surface.

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Added: Thu Aug 18 18:04:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Aug 18 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:25

The high court determined that Tom Becker's continued right to free speech was a hazard to anyone forced to listen to him.

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Added: Sat Aug 20 00:15:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Aug 18 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:17

Nations students to give American education system yet another chance, man overcomes alcoholism without Jesus by his side, and study shows: 96% of humans would rather be an animatronic bear. It's the week of August 15th, 2011.

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Added: Tue Aug 23 00:20:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Aug 19 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:11

The former number one sex-haver in the world continued the longest slump of his coital career, unable to bring home a local dive bar waitress and have sex with her.

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Added: Fri Aug 26 15:00:14 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Aug 25 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 03:18
Rating: 4.2 / 5.0

Shelby Cross is tired of seeing couples having intercourse through her binoculars.

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Added: Thu Sep 01 18:39:06 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Aug 31 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:45

Brooke Alvarez oversees reporters from her vantage point in the FactZone. Stewart Adams tackles top science stories in the Lab Report. Jean Anne Whorton explores the soft underbelly of issues in Beyond The Facts.

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Added: Thu Sep 22 20:52:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Jan 28 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 22:34

Washington enters talks with the people of Real America. Whenever news happens, Brooke Alvarez is fearless in her pursuit of the truth, going to any length to bring America the news.

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Added: Thu Sep 22 20:22:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Sat Mar 19 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 22:42

After America suffers a cyber attack, Brooke Alvarez interviews top U.S. officials via satellite. If someone saw something, or allegedly did something, you'll see them on the FactZone.

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Added: Thu Sep 22 20:22:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Sat Feb 26 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 22:32

Boston fans are reacting to the monumental collapse of the Red Sox in typical fashion: buying commemorative merchandise, flooding the streets and generally acting like awful assholes.

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Added: Sat Oct 01 00:58:15 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Sep 29 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 11:57

In this Daily Briefing, New York residents are outraged after learning that their State Senator accepted a paltry $3,000 bribe.

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Added: Sat Oct 01 00:58:15 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Sep 30 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:19

An asteroid is about to destroy the Earth. Shelby gives another approach to self defense classes.

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Added: Wed Oct 05 01:36:15 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Oct 04 07:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 22:10

The Onion writers recall their favorite headlines, including "Rubber Band Needed" and "Man In Headlock Just Wanted To Party." Associate editor Will Tracy talks about the difficulty in writing a funny headline about the earthquake in Haiti.

Add this to your queue
Added: Tue Aug 09 06:21:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 05:45
Rating: 4.1 / 5.0

Moderator Anderson Cooper asks about The Onion's campaign for a Pulitzer Prize and their advocacy group Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes (AFAJP). An audience member asks about diversity in the writing staff of The Onion.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 06:21:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:18

Editorial manager Kate Palmer talks about the online reaction to the controversial article "Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex." Moderator Anderson Cooper laughs at the headline "Afghan Warlord Takes Anderson Cooper As 43rd Wife."

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Added: Tue Aug 09 05:54:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:50
Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Associate editor Will Tracy describes how the stories are edited. Moderator Anderson Cooper asks how the writers avoid revealing political biases. Features editor Joe Garden says that several former writers of The Onion work on "The Colbert Report".

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Added: Tue Aug 09 05:06:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:58
Rating: 3.8 / 5.0

Moderator Anderson Cooper asks about the success of The Onion's web site and social media activity. Sports editor John Krewson recalls working on the famous 9/11 issue. Anderson reads aloud from the article "Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell."

Add this to your queue
Added: Tue Aug 09 05:06:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 06:07
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

Moderator Anderson Cooper (journalist, author, anchor of "Anderson Cooper 360") asks the panelists how they joined The Onion. Head writer Seth Reiss describes the process of selecting a handful of headlines from a list of over one hundred each week.

Add this to your queue
Added: Tue Aug 09 04:26:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 05:31
Rating: 3.8 / 5.0

Features editor Joe Garden says that jokes about George W. Bush were too easy. Sports editor John Krewson explains why The Onion didn't cover the Anthony Weiner story. An audience member asks about starting a satirical newspaper at her school.

Add this to your queue
Added: Tue Aug 09 04:26:10 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:50
Rating: 3.6 / 5.0

A fan asks about a sequel to the poorly received "The Onion Movie." Features editor Joe Garden explains where they got the photos for the American Voices column: e.g., photos of columnists Jean Teasdale and Jim Anchower came from a high school yearbook.

Add this to your queue
Added: Tue Aug 09 04:12:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 04:20
Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

The Onion writers discuss the never-used headline "Spork Used As Knife," which was featured on an episode of "This American Life." Associate editor Will Tracy says that Drew Barrymore sent a food package to The Onion after they wrote an article about her.

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Added: Tue Aug 09 04:12:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Jun 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 05:10
Rating: 3.8 / 5.0

The spittle and invectives fly as Doc and Kenny recount Sidney Crosby's travails and the WNBA's plan to horrifically maim their players for ratings.

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Added: Tue Oct 11 22:30:14 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Oct 10 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 14:13

As featured on Tuesday's "Onion News Network" on IFC, President Obama is back on top after cleaning the clock of a smug Wall Street banker.

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Added: Fri Oct 14 22:49:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Oct 14 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 00:40

Kenny and Doc follow a delicious "Power Lunch" with their take on Nyjer Morgan's brain centipede and Brett Favre's jealous death wish.

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Added: Mon Oct 17 23:45:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Oct 13 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 14:11

Voters seem to be responding to former congressman, John Clarkson's record of avoiding Washington infighting, political scandal, and embarrassing gaffes by being in a coma for the last eight years.

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Added: Thu Oct 20 22:41:11 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Oct 18 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:09
Rating: 3.9 / 5.0

Shelby Cross warns parents that by letting their children trick-or-treat door-to-door in fancy little costumes, they are sending their little ones straight into the greasy arms of waiting sexual predators.

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Added: Mon Oct 24 20:01:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Oct 25 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:49
Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking everything in sight.

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Added: Thu Nov 03 03:29:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Oct 27 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:34

The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession stands, and a local mans utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot. It's the week of October 24th, 2011.

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Added: Wed Nov 02 23:19:07 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Oct 28 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:07

Award-winning news anchor, Brooke Alvarez explains why she doesn't have time to go on a show as frivolous as "Dancing with the Stars", but that she would make an exception if a certain someone were also a contestant.

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Added: Thu Nov 10 05:33:16 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Oct 31 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:13

President Obama puts the U.S. economy in the hands of the geniuses behind Zico coconut water, who must know what they're doing because they are bringing in millions on a product that tastes like ass.

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Added: Wed Nov 09 23:42:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Nov 02 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:03

This week, the Dolphins can't shake their obsession with a waitress, Kevin Kolb tries out a more forgiving profession, and the popular sport of bead-whipping turns out to be a project of the NFL and NHL.

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Added: Wed Nov 09 23:42:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Nov 03 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 10:56

Brooke Alvarez's icy demeanor is finally explained in a new documentary on public television detailing her dark childhood as a Russian girl cosmonaut locked in a space capsule with a vicious chimpanzee named Mr. Dmitry.

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Added: Wed Nov 09 23:42:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Oct 31 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:52
Rating: 4.1 / 5.0

President Obama releases a new tell-all book about America, a cute eight-year-old is beginning to realize how much better she is than ugly girls, and a new Facebook feature allows users to cancel their account. It's the week of October 31st, 2011.

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Added: Wed Nov 09 23:42:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Nov 04 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:30

Jim and Tracy welcome Celebrity Chef Ted Allen on Today Now! to show them how to make the most obnoxious, contrived meals for your dickhead foodie friends.

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Added: Wed Nov 09 23:42:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Nov 07 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:47

One fan writes to Brooke in German, but that doesn't stump America's greatest newswoman, who's made it her business to know every language on the planet.

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Added: Wed Nov 09 23:37:08 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Nov 07 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:02
Rating: 3.8 / 5.0

Kenny yells incoherently at guest host Reggie Greengrass about Eli's temporary status as an elite quarterback and the saddest referee in the NFL.

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Added: Tue Nov 15 04:50:14 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Nov 10 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 13:04

The remarkable, cutting edge TYSO robot uses radio wave technology to notify the user that someone's about to bust in on him while he's jacking it.

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Added: Tue Nov 22 20:48:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Nov 17 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:38

Jim and Tracy go undercover in fat suits to find out how greedy, obnoxious, fat people are discriminated against by the public.

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Added: Tue Nov 22 20:48:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Nov 14 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:03

Michael Falk interviews new prison inmate, disgraced financier, Brian Wasserman, and becomes spellbound by the repetitive monotony of daily prison life.

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Added: Tue Nov 22 18:58:19 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Nov 21 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:19

The U.S. offers franchising opportunities to increase revenue, Jessica Milly puts out, and Dad's new 20-year-old Thai boyfriend really sucks at Scattergories. It's the week of November 14th, 2011.

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Added: Wed Nov 30 23:39:17 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Nov 18 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:58

Twilight's biggest fans, older Hispanic men, have taken off of work and have been lined up for days to catch the latest installment of the vampire saga.

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Added: Wed Nov 30 23:39:17 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Nov 28 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:26

A new jobs report from the Department of Labor shows that Americans are out of work because 35% of them now have face tattoos and employers are reluctant to hire anyone who would willingly mar their face with tiger stripes.

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Added: Wed Nov 30 23:39:16 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Nov 29 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 00:48

Kenny and Doc nearly beat each other with chains over the end of the NBA lockout, Tim Tebow's terribleness, and the Astros plan to sign nine professional baseball players.

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Added: Wed Nov 30 23:39:16 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Nov 23 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 14:45

According to Brooke Alvarez, the best way to deal with an uninformed person is to shame them and devastate their self-esteem.

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Added: Wed Nov 30 23:39:16 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Nov 16 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:10

It's a decision plaguing every American: Jay Z's "Watch the Throne" or Lil Wayne's "Carter IV", but Brooke Alvarez clearly has a favorite.

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Added: Wed Nov 30 23:39:16 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Nov 23 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:06

When their son, Geoff, passed away, Mary and Steve Patterson decided to honor his memory by keeping up Geoff's Tumblr where he made fun of shitbirds, fatties, and asswipes.

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Added: Fri Dec 02 03:15:09 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Dec 01 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:41

A local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever, 54 Iraqi civilians die in not our problem anymore, and the U.S. adds 4 million new jobs, but in St. Louis. It's the week of November 28th, 2011.

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Added: Thu Dec 08 00:16:14 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Dec 02 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:46

The U.S. puts more people into prison than any other country and Brooke Alvarez gives us two possible explanations for why this is the case.

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Added: Wed Dec 07 23:53:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Wed Nov 30 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 00:53
Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Kenny and Doc nearly beat each other with chains over the end of the NBA lockout, Tim Tebow's terribleness, and the Astros plan to sign nine professional baseball players.

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Added: Wed Dec 07 16:58:20 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Dec 02 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 14:56

Parents are lining up at disreputable hardware stores across the nation to get their hands on this holiday season's most sought-after item: a bucket of vivid, low-odor chinese paint.

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Added: Thu Dec 08 20:09:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Dec 05 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:20

Earlier this year, scientists found that Charlie Sheen's incomprehensible rants were actually a secret code for a formula to produce renewable energy.

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Added: Mon Dec 12 20:43:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Tue Dec 06 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 00:54

Back in February, the people of Egypt revolted against their dictator, Hosni Mubarak, in brave act of insurrection that could've turned into a really awful bloodbath had things gone a different way.

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Added: Tue Dec 13 23:22:22 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Dec 08 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:25

One fan tries to stump Brooke with a tough question about the giant hadron collider, but Brooke isn't ruffled in the slightest. As a top-notch news personality, it's her job to know virtually everything about everything.

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Added: Wed Dec 14 19:26:20 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Dec 08 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:07
Rating: 4.2 / 5.0

A burrito is eaten like someone in the room wasn't crying, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and Obama forgets to dumb it down for America. It's the week of December 5th, 2011.

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Added: Thu Dec 15 22:59:07 UTC 2011
Air date: Fri Dec 09 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:47

Kenny and Doc nearly join Aaron Rodgers in his impending suicide as they argue about Mark Sanchez's injured pussy finger and the Marlins stupid spending.

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Added: Sun Dec 18 20:55:16 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Dec 08 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 10:12

Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.

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Added: Tue Dec 20 05:19:13 UTC 2011
Air date: Mon Dec 12 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:26

Kenny and Doc look down the barrel of a gun as they discuss the top stories of 2011, including Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and that unspeakable college football thing.

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Added: Tue Dec 20 17:49:12 UTC 2011
Air date: Thu Dec 15 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 09:50
Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Now that Demi is out of the picture, Ashton is up to his old bachelor ways, out on the town with his arms wrapped around a glowing disc hewn in the fires of hell.

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Added: Mon Jan 02 18:45:08 UTC 2012
Air date: Wed Dec 14 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:35

The must-see hit of the holidays is a group of medieval mummers, who are going door-to-door singing old-fashioned ballads and acting out jovial plays in return for mugs of ale and gold pieces.

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Added: Wed Jan 04 22:41:12 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Dec 20 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 07:37

President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.

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Added: Wed Jan 11 22:56:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Jan 06 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:28

President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.

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Added: Mon Jan 16 23:52:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Jan 12 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 07:03

The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams.

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Added: Wed Jan 18 21:03:08 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Jan 12 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 08:42

Moments after Beyonc gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.

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Added: Fri Jan 20 00:56:13 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Jan 10 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 07:34

Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.

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Added: Mon Jan 23 20:11:12 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Jan 17 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 07:55

In one of the biggest stories of 2011, U.S. Special Forces shot and killed bin Laden and then removed his obese body from his compound with a forklift. (Aired 12/9/11)

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Added: Wed Jan 25 02:09:17 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Dec 16 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:26

In this StarFix Quick Hit, Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester, and the Supreme Court rules that it's okay to illegally download movies and music if you can justify it to yourself.

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Added: Wed Jan 25 17:01:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Jan 17 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 07:23

In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up blood. (Aired 12/9/11)

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Added: Thu Jan 26 20:42:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Jan 02 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:19

The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michelle Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy.

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Added: Fri Jan 27 23:42:17 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Nov 01 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:04

In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding.

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Added: Sat Jan 28 22:05:13 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Jan 09 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:02
Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)

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Added: Mon Jan 30 20:41:18 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Jan 16 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:05

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlins impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.

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Added: Wed Feb 01 15:36:22 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Jan 26 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 14:35
Rating: 4.4 / 5.0

Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad. (Aired 10/11/11)

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Added: Thu Feb 02 22:17:17 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Jan 12 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:36

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. (Aired 12/9/11)

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Added: Sat Feb 04 00:00:16 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Jan 23 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:03

A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.

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Added: Tue Jan 31 21:15:19 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Jan 27 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 08:34

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.

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Added: Wed Feb 08 23:57:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Feb 03 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 09:57

Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast!

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Added: Thu Feb 09 23:17:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Feb 06 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 00:57

Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse.

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Added: Thu Feb 09 16:22:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Jan 24 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 07:54

Tyler Perry has signed a $50 million deal to expand his franchise to include films targeted at the world's 1.4 billion Chinese moviegoers.

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Added: Wed Feb 15 01:28:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Wed Jan 25 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:48

The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress. It's the week of January 30th, 2012.

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Added: Wed Feb 15 19:22:13 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Feb 03 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 08:15
Rating: 4.2 / 5.0

Movie fans demand to see new Heath Ledger performance in 'Dark Knight Rises,' a truly authentic Mexican restaurant is shut down immediately, and another dead body is tossed on a heap somewhere.

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Added: Mon Feb 20 18:19:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Feb 17 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:44

In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.

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Added: Mon Feb 20 18:18:08 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Feb 07 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:53

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election.

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Added: Mon Feb 20 18:18:08 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Nov 18 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:54

The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay."

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Added: Mon Feb 20 18:18:08 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Jan 31 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 03:09

Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.

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Added: Tue Feb 21 21:01:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Wed Feb 08 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 07:45

The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make new friends. (Aired 11/18/11)

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Added: Thu Feb 23 01:25:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Feb 13 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:51

On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad says any Mexican who crosses the scorching-hot desert on foot has proved himself worthy of U.S. citizenship.

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Added: Fri Feb 24 00:36:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Feb 14 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:34

On Star Fix, entertainment insiders say this might be the year Hollywood's favorite leaf, which has appeared in more than 60 films, finally takes home the Academy Award.

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Added: Fri Feb 24 16:51:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Wed Feb 22 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 07:19

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark.

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Added: Fri Feb 24 16:51:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Oct 04 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 02:25

Ted Kennedy's crying ghost disrupts Congress and a pilot crashes in the Kardashian wilderness, in today's NewsBlitz.

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Added: Tue Feb 28 02:53:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Feb 21 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:41

Female friends spend a raucous night validating the living shit out of each other, and an exhausted sweatshop worker just has to laugh after sewing her fingers together. It's the week of February 20th, 2012

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Added: Wed Feb 29 02:27:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Feb 24 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:30

Meth addicts demand the government address the nation's growing spider menace, K-Y introduces a new line of jam, and Prince Fielder reports to spring training exactly the right amount overweight. It's the week of February 27th, 2012

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Added: Tue Mar 06 17:33:17 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Mar 02 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:22
Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Over months in captivity, kidnapping victim Kat Barr sent hundreds of emails to her MoveOn mailing list only to have them immediately deleted by the recipients without being read.

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Added: Tue Mar 13 08:07:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Mar 06 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:38

When a community loses a teen in a drunk driving accident, it's Onion News Network reporter O'Brady Shaw who is most emotionally devastated. (Aired 10/11/11)

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Added: Fri Mar 16 09:26:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Mar 05 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 03:21

The Vatican dispatches an elite team of bishops to sabotage contraceptive manufacturer Pfizer, and an embarassing bounced check from Greece is taped up in the IMF headquarters. It's the week of March 5th, 2012.

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Added: Fri Mar 16 09:26:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Mar 09 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:32

Instead of downplaying his millionaire status, Mitt Romney is now wearing fur coats and gold chains.

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Added: Fri Mar 16 00:09:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Mar 06 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:57

The First Responders debate the U.S. military's use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above.

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Added: Tue Mar 20 15:39:06 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Mar 12 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:06

An alien world agrees to help Syria since this world refuses to, the sale of BET to a white supremacist group results in no changes to programming, and a little turtle gorges an entire raspberry. It's the week of March 12th, 2012.

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Added: Wed Mar 21 16:11:19 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Mar 16 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:28
Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

It's a joyous GOOMF as Doc and Kenny revel in the pain of the NCAA Tournaments losers, the idiotic Redskins, and the ailing Jeremy Lin.

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Added: Thu Mar 22 18:57:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Mar 15 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:38

Today Now! welcomes Linda Johnston, the inspiring woman who made history by talking about herself continuously for over fifty hours.

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Added: Thu Mar 29 01:35:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Feb 28 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:36

A study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, and Ray Ban is unsure the public can pull off its 2012 series of sunglasses. It's the week of March 19th, 2012.

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Added: Thu Mar 29 01:30:16 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Mar 23 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:30

Doc and Kenny answer fan mail about terrible receivers in Denver, confusing NCAA-upset sex, and Bryce Harpers dickishness.

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Added: Thu Mar 29 01:29:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Mar 22 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:46

On This Day In History, the first boombox-carrying congressman skated his way into the Capitol. (Aired 10/4/11)

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Added: Fri Mar 30 09:23:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Mar 19 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:55

Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight.

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Added: Thu Apr 05 10:59:19 UTC 2012
Air date: Wed Mar 14 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:32

Socially inclusive hiphop group the Black Eyed Peas have added the wheelchair-bound rapper TruWheel to their line-up, plus more stories in the NewsBlitz.

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Added: Thu Apr 05 10:58:20 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Mar 13 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:29

Female voters can't help fawning over sexist GOP candidates, a homesick kid on a sleepover just needs to tough it the fuck out, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson lets it slip that he's been to Mars. It's the week of March 26th, 2012.

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Added: Fri Apr 06 15:03:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Mar 30 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:16
Rating: 3.8 / 5.0

Cross Examination host Shelby Cross shows women how to physically defeat their self-defense instructors. (Aired 10/18/11)

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Added: Thu Apr 12 08:33:16 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 02 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:00

Doc and Kenny catch a case of bullet-breath as they pull the trigger on Stephen Strasburgs Opening Day ceremony, Kentuckys draft prospects, and the Charlotte Bobcats first ever dunk.

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Added: Thu Apr 12 05:13:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Apr 05 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:44

Seeking to dispel accusations of flip-flopping, Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health care and gay rights.

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Added: Thu Apr 12 05:13:09 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 02 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:35

Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras.

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Mar 27 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:41

Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11)

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Mar 26 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:23

Joad says he can't be blamed for Rep. Cummings being dragged through a briar patch just because he called for the congressman to be dragged through a briar patch.

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Mar 20 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:30

While most Democrats plan to vote for Obama in November, they continue to tell pollsters they're "undecided" just for the fun of messing with the president's head.

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Added: Mon Apr 23 01:31:16 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Apr 12 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:37

Tim Tebow has fallen into sin, Tiger Woods is adequate again, and the Mets are questionable for opening day, but Doc Brooks and Kenny Kennedy still hate each other. It's GOOMF!

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Added: Fri Apr 13 01:58:26 UTC 2012
Air date: Thu Mar 29 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:40

After an earthquake renders hundreds of dogs homeless, reporter O'Brady Shaw pledges to put down every last animal himself. (Aired 10/18/11)

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Added: Mon Apr 23 01:31:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 09 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:03

A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts.

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Added: Sat Apr 28 04:58:21 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Apr 17 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:28

A local man is proud he can still fit into his car from high school, "Stray To Be Destroyed" tops the list of cat names for the 24th straight year, and a Pekingese is really letting itself go since winning Westminster. It's the week of April 16th, 2012.

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Added: Sun Apr 29 01:42:14 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Apr 20 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:34

Autistic reporter Michael Falk reports it is bad that four U.S. soldiers died but it is good that nearly two dozen Taliban soldiers died. (Aired 10/18/11)

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Added: Fri May 04 02:30:21 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 16 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:28

A Greyhound bus crash claims 30 miserable lives, a Stanford study finds no logical reason why planes are able to fly, and a local man goes and gets himself hit by a goddamn bus. It's the week of April 23rd, 2012.

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Added: Fri May 04 02:03:21 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri Apr 27 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:43

Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad."

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Added: Fri May 04 02:03:21 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Apr 24 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 03:00

In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports on Kanye West's feud with Syria and a company's decision not to bother recalling a defective hotplate. (Aired 10/18/11)

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Added: Wed May 09 03:30:17 UTC 2012
Air date: Tue Oct 18 00:00:00 UTC 2011
Duration: 01:23

An anxiety-ridden man is rightly ashamed of every single thing that he does, half a sleeve of Oreos is lost in a house fire, and a local man has had more than enough beach. It's the week of April 30th, 2012.

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Added: Wed May 09 18:29:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri May 04 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:33

Psychic Kenneth Quinn connects Today Now! studio guests with former landlords and friends of work friends who have died for stilted conversations from beyond.

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Added: Thu May 10 15:43:15 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 30 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 03:05

Inspired by the First Lady's health plan for children, Vice President Joe Biden has pledged to make every American woman beach-ready. (Aired 10/18/11)

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Added: Wed May 09 03:30:17 UTC 2012
Air date: Mon Apr 30 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 01:09

A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. It's the week of May 7th, 2012.

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Added: Wed May 16 03:57:17 UTC 2012
Air date: Fri May 11 00:00:00 UTC 2012
Duration: 02:36